One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
