I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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