i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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