Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
