I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
