I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
