The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
