oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
