There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
