would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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