My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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