If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
