I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
