I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
