I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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