Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
