We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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