You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
