brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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