last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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