Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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