We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
