just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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