you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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