high people should be assigned attendants
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
