My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
