Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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