He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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