whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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