Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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