Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
