I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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