I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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