Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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