We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
high people should be assigned attendants
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
