Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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