So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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