I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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