I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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