ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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