He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
