I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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