Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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