Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
