i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
