she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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