lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
