Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
