it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
