just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
