Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
