I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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